Beloved is Love's finding itself within the Lover in the act of Loving
To me, pain and struggle had no value - other than to create the awareness that my thinking was false. Pain and suffering signaled the need to change my thinking.
The Beloved: Love's search for itself
Love and Intimacy are ultimately based on understanding - the desire to understand, the need and the willingness to be understood. Vulnerability and trust are integral.
- I felt that I was not very good at saying what needed to be said. Sometimes, words did not come out at all, only the tears did. Sometimes I felt like I wasn't understood. I wondered if it were me ..
I was a battered rag doll that had been thrown out into the elements, exposed, naked, unfamiliar with feelings and emotions. Pain .. the body had no feeling, it was feeling.
The passing seasons
It had been Autumn. Walking in the crispness, lonely, but not alone, in my emptiness, I watched a small puppy frolicking in the colored leaves that heralded the bare branches and the coming frosty winds .. Winter, a wish had come true. Winter, a death of the past. Autumn had gone, the leaves had fallen, the snow was on the ground .. maybe Spring would come again ..
In total silence, in meditation, I sat and stared deep into the flickering flame of the candle, aware of nothing but the coming and going of my own breath .. Breath is Spirit .. Breath is God and God is Love ...
The Mantra formed on my lips ..
- Om Namah Shivayah ..
I AM, earth, water, fire, air, spirit ..
I AM the five elements, the four seasons ..
I AM the Self - the fusion of all that is.
There was an expansion forming in my awareness. My breathing slowed, the fire energy, Kundalini, moved once more from the base of my spine up through my body.
I recalled the words that I had just read from the 'Book of the Wisdom of Solomon'
- "Send her out of Thy Holy Heaven and from the Throne of Thy Majesty, that she may be with me and may labor with me, that through her I might know what is acceptable with Thee, for she knoweth and understandeth all things and shall lead me soberly in Thy works and shall preserve me by her power."
From deep inside the prayer of times long ago arose. A prayer which was almost those very words, a prayer where I had asked for a friend to guide me, a friend with whom I could share the very essence of my being, a friend with whom the love I knew I was could be manifest ...
Only God could count the apples in an apple seed ...
Shadows danced on the walls in the gathering twilight. A mist started to form in front of my eyes. A halo grew around the candle, a sphere of blue and white and pink that expanded towards me .. and as I penetrated this orb with my inner vision, I saw her eyes and then, through those eyes, the essence of womanhood that had come as if in answer to my prayer.
Over time, my beloved touched me in a way that no-one had been able to touch me before. Maybe I had been open to her, her touch. But then, through her, her being, her wisdom and her beauty, I had been open to her and she had led me with her grace.
GraMy Search for the Beloved - Love's Search for Selfude
My whole being filled with a fullness, a joy, a peace, a gentleness, a quiet, as the Divinity that was that woman appeared in front of me. Did this Winter herald the end of a cycle? Was I off the wheel? Was this coming spring the herald of the Soul's progression?
From the Ethers around came a song ..
- "I would not dance Lord, unless thou leadest me.
Would'st thou that I leap mightily
Then must Thou sing for me,
Thus I will leap into Love
From Love into Knowledge,
From Knowledge into Joy,
From Joy, to beyond all human senses."
Then a previous vision finally made sense and with it, the ancient myths of 'Lemuria', where woman was taken into a special 'school' to develop the wisdom qualities of the soul.
My beloved counseled me .. against expecting too much, against hoping. But now, I realized the old ways had come to an end. Through her, I learned not to focus on outcomes, not to bind myself with the memory of the past .. because in so doing I was only robbing myself of the present.
I learned not to bind myself to dreams and desires, because in so doing, I was blinding myself from limitless possibilities. A movement in the air flickered the candle. The image of the woman who had become my beloved shimmered.
There had been relationships in the past and children. Tears rolled down my cheek as judgment thoughts drifted through my mind, as I momentarily thought of my life as a one-pointed failure, doubting my ability to be a husband in the true sense of the word. How could I contemplate another marriage?
But a Zen master had said …
- "you are obsessed with values - who knows whether anything is misfortune or blessing? Nobody knows. Again a fragment ... and all is never given to you ... Life comes in fragments and to judge the past is to assume you know the total."
By judging, I condemned myself to my limitations. Pain and struggle had no value other than to create the awareness that my thinking was false. Pain and suffering signaled the need to change my thinking. They were my false ego playing games again.
Now my life was at the crossroads. I was faced with choices. What was the next move ..? Were our lives again running a parallel? She had told me to be open ..
The image became watery, dissolved and I was left with a reflection .. the image of wisdom and grace .. the source of liberation .. It was through her that I had become more open, more receptive, more gentle.
I thought I knew
But the more I listened to the words my beloved spoke and heard her silent thoughts, the more I found out how little I knew about love and life, about sharing, about being. I silently thanked her and God, for this gift. Would our lives be as the two troubled rivers I had once seen in meditation, finally merging into a smooth open expanse of water .. finally flowing into the vastness of the Ocean? I dared to hold that picture.
- "The secret of making something work in your lives is first of all, the deep desire to make it work, then the faith and belief that it can work, then to hold that clear definite vision in your consciousness and see it working out step by step, without one thought or doubt, or disbelief."
I must trust in the love I am.
Fear had knocked at my door,
Faith opened it and there was no-one there.
Sometimes I wondered if we really were okay. Sometimes her eyes told me that we were. Sometimes I wished I could hide in her arms. Sometimes I wished she would want to hide in mine. Sometimes I thought that things were going great and were here to stay. Sometimes I had trouble making it through the day.
But sometimes, lots of times, I wondered what was in store for me and my beloved and sometimes I dreamed of reaching a place in our lives where we could let the love that lived inside us merge and be the beautiful thing that I knew it could be.
Tired and drained
I had had enough of being busy, of running, enough of not being anchored in what I believed in. I understood now, what had been driving me all these years.
Rousing from the meditation, I recalled her image and smiled. Yes, there was a gentleness, an energy was developing between us. I was starting to temper the conflict of my ego with the energy of my heart. God how I wished we could sit and talk intimately about what was, or was not going on within. I really did care for her and about her and I knew that she knew that.
I thought about what my beloved and I had been for one another over the time that we had known each other and the depth and range of new, unfamiliar feeling that was there. I had seen her through many of her moods and loved her through them. Even when the moods were directed at me, I understood to accept gratefully and listened to her, because I knew she was speaking Truth.
Many times I wanted to take her and hold her. Often it was difficult to say good-bye but I understood what was going on within and respected a need for space ... and yet she so much wanted for me the things I wanted for myself. I could not recall ever before experiencing the deep level of caring that I felt for her. I had never experienced the joy of just being with someone as I did with her .. Yet I must be patient ..
is ultimately based on understanding, the desire to understand and the willingness to be understood. Vulnerability and trust are integral parts.
Perhaps, together, my beloved and I could create a Spiritual Synergy that would complete and complement our lives. Did we dare to more deeply explore the depths of our own being? Was I willing to cross the bridge with her, or would my own doubts and fears stop me? Could we let go enough and trust and talk and maybe reach out to a future where we could consciously work together with trust and intimacy, to create joy, fun, laughter and happiness and move into the Mysteries beyond all human senses?
I was my mind ..
and my beloved was the physicality of my own body.
Could we let go totally of all of our past, our ego, our personality, our preconceived ideas and ideals? Could we allow love .. and Miracles ..? Could we dream, vision and create together, for one another and for ourselves, a brave new world filled with the real meaning of love, caring and devotion, with its infinite depths of feeling ..?
I knew I still had a lot to learn but I was willing ..
"My Search for the Beloved - Love's Search for Self" was written, publisged and © by Christopher Wynter, Transpersonal LifeStreams®, Tasmania, Australia. The URL's of this page are https://anunda.com/beloved.htm and http://www.lifestreams.com.au/beloved.htm