Fiona's Journal

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Fiona Tulk - Remembering My Inner Child

: Fiona's Journal - Index
  Memories of my Inner Child

· Facing my internal fears

· Dead Babies - Buried Memories
  The Convent on the Hill

· No Self Esteem - a non entity
  My whole life a non-event

· Reincarnation in answer
  to Mother's prayers

· My Inner Child
  was addicted to Mother

· Who owns my body?

· I am not who I think I am

· Mother is watching me
  The grief of my family life

· My First Period
  The Rape of Innocence

· My Secret Shame
  Living for the approval of others

· Relationships
  My Search for a Soulmate

· The unspoken
  inner conflict with male

· Nana's Gift to me

: Fiona's Notebook - Index
  Meaning and Purpose

Voices in the head? Visions? Search for my soul mate? How much was that an attempt to re-connect with a sibling brother who was lost to me .. who died in my mother's womb.

Relationships and My Search for a Soul Mate

Not my madness, but the unextinguished grief for  the one who came before me .. my brother. The one I never got to know.

Reconnecting with a lost sibling

My mother is the world's greatest liar. She invented the word. Her lies have become the incubus she used to try to drain my life-force. All her issues around sexuality and life-force deliberately and consciously handed on to me.

Miscarriages before my brother's birth and before me...hidden, denied. My conception - in answer to her prayers.

I was conceived on the energy of dead babies scraped out of the womb and flushed away to join millions of other tiny entities coursing through the sewers. No wonder the planet is dying...poisoned with the carcasses of dead fetuses' aborted potential. Mother Earth poisoned by her own.

My body screams at the image - but I know its true. 

The barren earth is a silent mirror to the ever increasing barren wombs. Women unable to conceive...unable to conceive of the thought that their siblings were laid to rest in the bottom of some stagnant cesspool.

What a fucking legacy. My head wants to deny it but my body is screaming .. the silent scream of the dead and aborted.

On that energy I was conceived. Forced by her prayers to enter a desecrated womb that was laid bare and ravaged by her grief of the loss of her child. 

At the moment of my conception I heard the silent scream of the one who went before me. The echo of its cry raged through my body at conception .. implanted itself in the space between my cells .. 

the shock was so great that it began the twist of the DNA in my body all over again. No life-force there - just the echoing of a silent scream which I have carried all my life.

All of the voices I have heard inside my head, all of the visions and the nightmares, all of my searching for my soul mate? How much is that an attempt to re-connect with the one who was lost to me.

I know now its not my 'madness' but the unextinguished grief of the one who came before me .. my brother. The one I never got to know.

I wonder if that's who anunda reminded me of and why there was just so much love for one little boy .. and why I didn't want to go through that loss again ..
of having my sibling taken away by mother ..again.

An unconscious chance perhaps to reconnect in the physical with a little soul who I have carried all my life. A chance to love a brother I never had .. but I did know him ..

That's where the voices in the head and the visions come from -
my lost sibling communicating with me.

My search for my soul mate is over.

· Fiona's Index
· Meaning of Life Notebook
· Inner Child Journal

Relationships, My Search for a Soul Mate; reconnecting with a miscarried brother


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