I was always small .. smallest in the class, a 'late' developer. Mother wanted to "keep a brick on my head .. because then you can control them". What a way to become a woman.
My first period was like Armageddon erupting in my parent's house. My bleeding flooded the bed and I woke up drenched in it .. I didn't know what it was and I can still hear mother's screaming ..
The Rape of Innocence
I couldn't use a tampon .. didn't even know there was another 'hole' to put it in. Detailed sex education wasn't on the curriculum of the "proper catholic family" .. not in those days..
Mother gave me a demonstration on herself .. it was bizarre and upsetting in a family where there was never any physical touching. She told me when I couldn't 'fit' it in .. "ah, well I have had two babies"
Was I supposed to go out and have a baby so I could fit a tampon..
I don't think so.
It was quite acceptable to have bad period pains .. debilitating. After all she had and Nanna did. So it was ok for me .. almost expected .. Isn't that what women had to 'endure'. It took so long for the period to come and then it had to be kept hidden especially from my brother. I don't even know if father was told.
She used to tell me stories of having to wash out her napkin because they didn't have pads then .. Great imagery for an inexperienced, innocent, terrified teenager.
I now understand that was the start of endometriosis within my body .. The doctors don't know what causes it .. All I know is that from the first, my period had to be kept hidden .. not celebrated in any way. My body learnt to 'internalise' the bleeding, not to let so much out so mother wouldn't see how much of a woman I was becoming.
Endometriosis happens when the bleeding doesn't get drained away and some of it gets caught and remains around the ovaries and creates deposits and a build up of blood which eventually creates cysts.
My cysts started with first period. Infertility started at a very young age .. mother's brick on my head so I wouldn't grow up. The natural progression of the mitochondrial line sabotaged very early by my mother's reaction.
Now I know why both breast cancer and huge problems with reproducing run in my mother's family .. I also know it's not my mother's fault .. she was merely on the pendulum swing started by her mother and her church.
Every 28 days from first period with the bleeding I was reminded of the 'swing' reaction from mother. Her reaction and its opposite was reinforced. It first triggered the unconscious memories from my body and further mutated the ancestral memories deep within the mtDNA.
The cycle was never broken because mother's reaction did not allow the still point to happen in my body through my teenage and adult life. Her projections took away my innocence and made sure I was female .. something to be kept pristine, virginal, unsullied .. untouchable by male.
- I was raped, by my mother of half of the essence of my innocence .. separated from the child into female .. the male aspect of me, repressed and forbidden.
Each and every time I have sought her approval for ANYTHING it recreated the impact of her reaction to my first period. I was left with 'pendulum swing' .. the screaming in the silence. The deep unconscious desire to be pregnant .. vs .. the absolute fear of being pregnant .. especially if I am not married to a male that mother will approve of ..
but then, male was made unreachable .. and every possibility disapproved of, an unconscious reminder of my first period. I'm not allowed to grow up but I am supposed to produce grandchildren for her .. BUT I did grown up and I haven't produced grandchildren. Failure on all counts. The pendulum swings violently.
I could never be good enough in her eyes BUT was too good to be believed by her. She only ever believed what other people told her about me and then it was "did my little girl really do THAT?"
Even now, 25 years after that first period, she still calls me "her little girl" .. A huge dichotomy that my body has relived every 28 days .. mood swings .. dreadful periods .. pain ..
The legacy of my first period and mother's reaction to it was emergency c-section surgery and the removal of a 6cm fibroid, cysts on the ovary and endometriosis.
So I did give birth - to the potential projected onto me by mother. These are the memories that have come out of my body .. released .. as I allow the healing process which now sees me as some sort of medical miracle .. the healing of what most of the medical profession say there is no cure for.
Healed from the silence .. the crucible cleansed by my own internal fire released from the suppression of my mother and mother church's projections ..
For me, now, that pendulum no longer swings like it once did.
First period .. one of the hooks created for my reincarnation .. to come back so my mother might 'see' me .. might finally accept who I am.
But I know now she never will .. she is caught in her own pendulum swing like a piece of flotsam and her still point is the Church. There is no other. So, its up to me. Me ... the innocent .. not my mother's idea of a daughter.
At last, I am no longer the victim.