the grief of family life

Fiona's Journal

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Fiona Tulk - Remembering My Inner Child

: Fiona's Journal - Index
  Memories of my Inner Child

· Facing my internal fears

· Dead Babies - Buried Memories
  The Convent on the Hill

· No Self Esteem - a non entity
  My whole life a non-event

· Reincarnation in answer
  to Mother's prayers

· My Inner Child
  was addicted to Mother

· Who owns my body?

· I am not who I think I am

· Mother is watching me
  The grief of my family life

· My First Period
  The Rape of Innocence

· My Secret Shame
  Living for the approval of others

· Relationships
  My Search for a Soulmate

· The unspoken
  inner conflict with male

· Nana's Gift to me

: Fiona's Notebook - Index
  Meaning and Purpose

Mother as the Matriarch, joins the ranks of the immortals. The power of life and death. Creator and destroyer. The power of absolution of your sins, she wears the mantle of priest/confessor.

The Grief of My Family Life

Every movement 
Every thought 
Every action 
Screened and seen by Mother. 
               And she judges.

Judges the innocents - and sees them lacking. 

The rigid code of conduct for Mothers - passed down the genetic line, encapsulated in a bubble in time at Bethlehem .. the innocent, pure, virginal female form forever held up as an icon. 

Totally unattainable but made the benchmark of behavior by the Church. The grief of mothers who knew the lies but were powerless in the juggernaut of the absolute defilement of motherhood, as it inexorably took hold in the body beliefs of women and their descendants.

The role of the male is diminished, of no consequence in the dominion of Mother. Matriarch rules.

Man is merely a seed pod carrying the X chromosome. Once the seed has been ejected from its vessel he is no more than a mere inconvenience, a focus of the hatred, resentment and lies that has been beaten into women's bodies.

Underneath that rage is the absolute grief of what women know they have done to men and in doing so, have done to themselves. "Mother knows best" .

To go against mother's Will can mean emotional death.

Her disapproval marks the lives of innocents who spend the rest of their incarnation seeking approval and living a slow death. NOTHING is EVER good enough.

Mothers' Will is greater than God - who is merely a shadowy figure, lurking in the clouds. Mother's sole reason for being is to control the children and ensure her own immortality in the body memories of her children's children.

The fear of the Matriarch and the power she yields is remembered in the body of every newborn who look in the eyes of its 'grandmother'.

Then shutdown is TOTAL.

The child is able to forgive its parents their shutdown, but the grief in the eyes of the Matriarch is too much. Shutdown for survival from the grief of the Matriarch is absolute. The cycle continues… 

This is at the heart of the grief of family life. 
Three generations of innocents - shutdown. 
Perpetuating the cycle of grief and body remembering 
every time they look into each other's eyes.

· Fiona's Index
· Meaning of Life Notebook
· Inner Child Journal

Matriarch - The Grief of Family Life: Mother is always watching


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