the surrender of personality

Fiona's Notebook

» Fiona's Index  ::  Meaning and Purpose ..  

Transpersonal development and self healing

: Fiona's Notebook - Index
  Meaning and Purpose

· Introduction
  The Mirror Program

· Self Healing
  My Gift to myself

· An Inner Violet Flame
  Meeting the Cosmic Fire

· Womb Heart
  The Creative Core of Woman

· Infinity of Innocence
  The Birthright of every child

· My body contains the
  memory of our origins.

· Male
  The Lost Sons of Mother Earth

· Unconscious Death Wish
  The Silent Assassin

· The Innocence of a Mother
  The Compassion of her Child

· Indigo - The color of the Void
  A child surrenders personality

: Fiona's Journal - Index
  Memories of my Inner Child


The Program which Chris facilitated could never be repeated. What follows sits in my memory as another "defining moment" - something that just happened during one of the group sessions.  This description is my recall, perceptions and reflections.

The Battle to surrender the Will of Personality

I have seen the Void, ‘The No-Thing’ in an adult male. Last night I watched the battle between Will and ‘The No-Thing’ in a male child.

I saw the struggle of an eighteen-month-old baby boy whose ego had helped him to survive. I saw him battle with his ego and his possible potential. The battle was very real to him in his small body and he wasn’t going to give in without a real fight.

Indigo - The Essence Color of The No Thing

Following a tantrum, he was being held with the greatest gentleness and love by a man who gave him nothing to fight. The male went into ‘The No-Thing’. No reaction, no feelings. Just simply being.

The child screamed and struggled for a long time. Every scream reminded me of the tears I cried as a child but nobody was able to hear what I was really saying. A cry for the father who wasn’t there for me .. 

All the females in the room simply sat and watched. There was no intervention.
Just allowing. As suddenly as the child started, he stopped. The fight had gone.
The ego had surrendered to potential.

The man held the child close to his chest. The child lay there in total peace. I could see that the adult male and the male child became the fire. It consumed them both. Fire became ice. Living crystals. The energy of potential moved around them and in them. It was them.

They moved into the Void, ‘The No-Thing’ and it was real in their physical bodies. To me, they both disappeared into what appeared to be as a translucent Indigo blackness. What I could only describe as Unconditional love filled the silence.

Mother, Grandmother, Guardians and an other little boy watched in silent witness. Tears gently flowing. Almost beyond words. 

The awesome beauty of ‘The No-Thing’ in every cell of their bodies. Adult and child cleansing DNA and all limiting genetic beliefs, making real their potential.

I have been shown what I can only describe as all potential in two males - an adult and a child. 

A part of me wondered why it wasn’t in me… 
A part of me felt barred from ‘The No-Thing’ and so I asked the question… why?

The heart of conflict between male and female that sees female locked forever in a battle of will with male is female feeling barred from ‘The No-Thing’. Barred from returning home into the eternal nothing. I now understand what Christopher was trying to tell me about Indigo Children.

The Battle of Male and Female

My body belief was that Male was created from ‘The No-Thing’ by God’s own hand. Dirt, water, spirit, male was created from ‘The No-Thing’ and was perfect in His potential. 

Female came from the rib of Adam. Her origin was flesh and bone from the earth plane. God did not create her from ‘The No-Thing’. 

God has barred female from returning to ‘The No-Thing’ because when Male looked outside himself and felt need and lack and didn’t acknowledge his potential, woman was created. Woman was created as the flip side of potential.
Everything a man is not. So the Catholic system taught me.

Woman’s creation myth is based on male lack, need and descended from flesh.
The irony being that the male flesh from which she came was branded as weak and evil in female form and forever condemned to be cursed.

Cursed every month with the bleeding to remind female of her ‘original sin’ of being created from flesh, not ‘The No-Thing’.

Not good enough, not pure enough to have come from ‘The No-Thing’, so never able to achieve her full potential, always looking outside herself for salvation and never able to return to ‘The No-Thing’.

God, The Heavenly Father did this to Females. WHY?
Is it any wonder women have resented men lifetime after lifetime…

In Church history only female saints could go into ‘The No-Thing’ - usually people in denial of their sexuality, because the greatest barrier to entering ‘The No-Thing’ is to enjoy the flesh. The act of sex is a constant reminder of female’s lack of achieving her potential. Sexuality /life-force forever made wrong by God and Church. 

Female forever condemned to the earth plane and forced to return to Mother Earth, while man returns to ‘The No-Thing’.

The DNA has become warped by the immeasurable grief of woman being made separate from ‘The No-Thing’, her body made wrong and forever barred from achieving potential by God, the Father. 

No wonder women resent men, because some part of them knows and remembers … Memories that are triggered with the birth of a child and lay stored in the womb, particularly in the ovaries (my left ovary just had a painful kinesthetic reaction as I wrote this .. )

The womb is the center of woman’s creative force and every month it cries the tears that woman can’t, but they are tears of blood of the remembering.

The Biblical story of the conception of the one I know as Jesus makes sense - the Mary is the Female Essence beyond any personality and Gabriel is the Male essence beyond personality - the union producing and Indigo Child - a child of Essence, a Child of no person-ality a child from the Void not separate from any-thing. This is the true Son of the Father.

· Fiona's Index
· Meaning of Life Notebook
· Inner Child Journal

Indigo - A Child's battle to surrender its will of personality


08 Oct 2003 - Copyright 1998-2003 Transpersonal Lifestreams - Disclaimer - Privacy

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