promised to the church

Fiona's Journal

»  Fiona's Index  ::  Inner Child Journal  ..

Fiona Tulk - Remembering My Inner Child

: Fiona's Journal - Index
  Memories of my Inner Child

· Facing my internal fears

· Dead Babies - Buried Memories
  The Convent on the Hill

· No Self Esteem - a non entity
  My whole life a non-event

· Reincarnation in answer
  to Mother's prayers

· My Inner Child
  was addicted to Mother

· Who owns my body?

· I am not who I think I am

· Mother is watching me
  The grief of my family life

· My First Period
  The Rape of Innocence

· My Secret Shame
  Living for the approval of others

· Relationships
  My Search for a Soulmate

· The unspoken
  inner conflict with male

· Nana's Gift to me

: Fiona's Notebook - Index
  Meaning and Purpose

Whose Body is this  ... ?

My body was promised at 4 - to the Church. I remember the vision of the woman cloaked in blue. The softest, shimmering blue. The colour of Mary. Pure, virginal, untouchable by man - given only to God. The Bible was in my womb .. they took my life force

My parents gave me away
Consciously and unconsciously in their thoughts and prayers they gave my body to the Church. They projected their ideas of who I was and their ideals of who I was to become onto me
Mother - so I wouldn't have to go through the pain she did when giving birth to me and her loss of innocence.
Aunty - because her experiences with men were a source of grief.
Nanna - because she had so much grief from the loss of her babies .

My 'vision' was the compilation of all their fears and grief but in my body it translated quite differently. My response was to open up my forehead - not once but twice, 'accidentally' in the same spot. The scar remains.

I scarred my third eye. My visions stopped. The scar's healing was very, very slow. And later in life. 'As above, so below' .The mirror of my potential reflected in my womb. Their projections shut down the part of me that makes female a female ... my sacral chakra and my sexuality.

Excruciating periods all my life culminating in a 6cm fibroid in the womb and a right ovary hanging together with a stitch. All my dreams and hopes atrophied. The fibroid - the symbol of the dead child inside, aborted by the projections of the females in my genetic line and left to rot.

My body had to be cut open to be cleansed and the scar holds the memories of the death of potential, of the grief of the child who saw herself given to the Church unable to fulfil the basic female function of creation ... of giving birth and new life.

Mother is still praying .

The anger rises - who has the right to own the body of another human being or in their righteousness give the body of a child to the Church ?? The Church nearly killed me. 

How could I ever know any 'Goddess within', let alone me, if all I ever got when I went 'into' my body were symbols for the Church?

How many people carry an image of the Bible in their wombs?

How much of the cervical cancer, breast cancer and any other sexually related diseases are the direct result of the body being given to the Church and lifeforce forever made wrong?

Any expression of lifeforce is clamped down on, feared, aborted from reaching full potential because if it did there would be lots of men in long black dresses out of work. The Church would erode.

My body is a living organism, not bricks and mortar.

Who can ever - who has ever - except in their own egotistical mind - truly harnessed the lifeforce of another? Who has ever controlled another's lifeforce? It is NOT possible. But they tried .. they projected it into my mind, and from my conception, into my body.

The energetic movement is too illusory and more real than anything I've ever known.

How dare any group of people think they can control other people's lifeforce? It is a web of deceit and lies where words are used as weapons to reinforce negative belief patterns into the cells, the genetic memory of the body.

Lifeforce cannot be controlled or boxed. It is the free flowing essence of creation of which we all share a part and we are ALL.

Rest in peace Church. In this body, finally, the spectre of control can be shed ... now I know why ...

I can now own my body - it's my life, my potential and what I do with it is no longer bound by the shackles of a dead religion who crucified the one man whose lifeforce was a reminder of what they, the Church had done to their own.

My life, my potential.
It is now, my body.

· Fiona's Index
· Meaning of Life Notebook
· Inner Child Journal

Who owns my female body .. ?


08 Oct 2003 - Copyright 1998-2003 Transpersonal Lifestreams - Disclaimer - Privacy

--  Home   ::  About   ::  Map   ::  Index   ::  Search   ::  Support   ::  Contact   ::  Forum  --