Thoughts of suicide

Fiona's Notebook

» Fiona's Index  ::  Meaning and Purpose ..  

Transpersonal development and self healing

: Fiona's Notebook - Index
  Meaning and Purpose

· Introduction
  The Mirror Program

· Self Healing
  My Gift to myself

· An Inner Violet Flame
  Meeting the Cosmic Fire

· Womb Heart
  The Creative Core of Woman

· Infinity of Innocence
  The Birthright of every child

· My body contains the
  memory of our origins.

· Male
  The Lost Sons of Mother Earth

· Unconscious Death Wish
  The Silent Assassin

· The Innocence of a Mother
  The Compassion of her Child

· Indigo - The color of the Void
  A child surrenders personality

: Fiona's Journal - Index
  Memories of my Inner Child

My mother wants to die .. she has told me so. It's her 69th birthday and she wants to die. She has consciously chosen it because that's what Nanna did.

The mtDNA is a silent assassin triggering a re-run of events in the bodies of its victims. I can now see clearly the re-enactment of Nanna's death wish in my mother's body.

Self Euthanasia - The Silent Assassin

After Nanna got to her 69th birthday she went downhill - emotionally and physically. Her death wish shut the door to people calling. When Poppy died, her words to me were .. "God should have taken me before him" .. and she resented him dying and leaving her alone. Made no secret of that.

My mother has just shut the door to her friends. She has taken on Nanna's death wish and is practicing her own brand of Self euthanasia .. silently, slowly, consciously killing herself. She has said so.

She is not sick, has never had any life threatening illness, is mentally sound and physically able .. with only some curvature of the spine. Her decision is willful and conscious. She has decided she will die .. now, before Dad, so she isn't left alone. A death wish because she doesn't want to go through what her mother did.

And she will make all the people around her pay .. with their own health and their own lives .. through her prayers .. even to the point of nagging Dad so he has another heart attack or stroke so he dies first .. to fulfill her mother's patterns ..

Her death wish was exacerbated when she could no longer control my life. She knew she had lost when my life didn't fit her vision for HER future .. not mine .. when she knew she would not have the lackey to her every whim that she was to Nanna in her old age. 

I told her I would support her but I would not and could not physically do what she did for Nanna.

"Oh no I would never expect that" .. she's a very poor liar. She does expect it and I know it is part of her prayers that I will be punished for what I've said. She continually tells me that those who sacrifice get the rewards.

The mirror comes full circle .. the words she used as missiles have found their homing beacon. Self euthanasia as a professed matriarch martyr is her only way of wielding power as she longer sees any purpose in her life .. no-one she can control because in her control of other people is the central point of her martyrdom ..

Her 6yo grandson is "a bit thick, is going to be difficult not as bright as his sister" .. her attitude towards all males.

Her litany of "I do all these things for all these people .. but people just use you" translates to 'they owe me and they are not paying'.

The martyr losing her control over other people leaves her with no reason to live and she consciously wills her death to make them 'pay'. Yet, within her death wish, she wants to take me with her. "You'll know what it's like soon enough".

Yeah - maybe in another 30 years or so. I'm the great disappointment to her.
No children. I couldn't. Even if I'd got pregnant her disapproval and the agony of re-living what she and Nanna went through would have been too much.

No grandchild could had survived, particularly a female who would have inherited the full force of the genetic coding.

Her words to me that "Intercourse nearly killed me" .. was the vibration of my conception and her legacy to me.

Living has always been a struggle for her .. "How are you surviving?" prefaces every conversation. She doesn't listen to any advice about her health - doctors, according to her know nothing - she knows better.

She clutches at me to kiss me when she leaves. It feels revolting .. and smells of decay.

She has problems with Chris. He tells things as they are and she spits ..

Her prayers and thoughts fall like mortar shells on the house. And out of my own unconscious self judgment that I have somehow hurt her - I let the shrapnel in .. fragments that poison my body.

She has tried to kill me - three times. My body was paralyzed and bedridden so she had to look after me .. play the martyr and have full control. Her life had meaning. 

It happened the three times I got anywhere near to actually leaving her and being with a male. I was physically frozen and paralyzed. My body wasted away. I literally couldn't move. Stayed in my room .. my bed .. until she had regained control. 

She will not believe anything until she has seen it.
And she will never see me.

The matriarch demands the sacrifice of the daughter's life - to make up for her own lost dreams and hopes. There is no direct female grandchild to carry on the mtDNA. I never had the chance. Her disapproval, her prayers would have aborted any baby I may have knowingly or unknowingly conceived. The fetus couldn't stick .. her disapproval would have flushed it out.

And if that hadn't worked .. cot death would have sufficed. Nothing like an angel in heaven to get kudos for a wanting matriarch.

But then, she did want me to live like a Nun ... she still tells me this

So that left only me and any poor unsuspecting males who looked my way. They never stood a chance. 

And now because I'm such a 'disappointment', I must pay by looking after her (and her bitter complaining about life) in her senility. Her death wish is her conscious choice to shut out the 'struggle' in her life and if she can't have my life she'll take whoever else happens to offer her support or sympathy.

Support and sympathy are a chink in the armour .. the Archilles Heel

Her favorite line is, "Father will pay"

Father .. Dad? Priest? god? Take your pick. Anyone who took away her church imposed illusions of virginity and purity.

Its hard to have compassion when I know she wants to take me or anyone else close .. to her grave with her. 

She still believes there is a Heaven and she will have her 'reward' .. even though the Pope said there is no Heaven .. she believes .. because he's a man and 'what would he know'.

I know a child will die for its mother .. I've seen it so.

But I am not going to be crippled by someone who is absolutely conscious of her own death wish and what's she's doing. She's told me she knows .. 

The mtDNA is a silent assassin triggering a re-run of events in the bodies of its victims. I can now see clearly the re-enactment of Nanna's death wish in the body of my mother.

And it was her legacy to me .. to live and die in exactly the same way.

To get to 69 and not be able to face the re-birth of the 70th birthday and all of the unconscious birth memories that it brings .. because the flip side of birth is far too close and the fear of death and judgment too great. 

The 'fires of hell' is a very real belief in my mother's body and the mantle of 'original sin' has crushed her spine. Only an act of my own will can change the unconscious death wish for me .. but it feels like pulling a dead fetus out of my body marked with the name 'mother'. The umbilical cord was never fully cut .. it hangs as a chain rotting and fetid between three generations.

There is fear that I can't make the change and that is my mother's fear .. because she didn't and won't.

There is a fear deep in my body that even after death she'll be so shocked at what she experiences that the shock will keep her trapped in the ethers until there is a suitable genetic body in which to re-incarnate. 

And she will be vicious in the re-birth that she couldn't face in an adult body and unbending in her self righteous indignation .. and so the loop will begin again.

It is too late for her now, she has made her choice. Now I have to make mine.

A re-run of Nanna and Mum's life, death wish and their slow self euthanasia ..
or a life of my own.

Self euthanasia begins after birth when the child first shuts down and can be halted with every major rebirth .. puberty being a major opportunity to change the patterns.

My identity has, in the past been so strongly linked to Nanna and mum's that even after all this time and all this conscious clearing I am only now beginning to realize that my own possibility is an empty page ..

now .. and only now .. I can pick up my own pen ..

· Fiona's Index
· Meaning of Life Notebook
· Inner Child Journal

The Unconscious Death Wish - Self Euthanasia, the Silent Assassin


08 Oct 2003 - Copyright 1998-2003 Transpersonal Lifestreams - Disclaimer - Privacy

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