Facing my inner fears

Fiona's Journal

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Fiona Tulk - Remembering My Inner Child

: Fiona's Journal - Index
  Memories of my Inner Child

· Facing my internal fears

· Dead Babies - Buried Memories
  The Convent on the Hill

· No Self Esteem - a non entity
  My whole life a non-event

· Reincarnation in answer
  to Mother's prayers

· My Inner Child
  was addicted to Mother

· Who owns my body?

· I am not who I think I am

· Mother is watching me
  The grief of my family life

· My First Period
  The Rape of Innocence

· My Secret Shame
  Living for the approval of others

· Relationships
  My Search for a Soulmate

· The unspoken
  inner conflict with male

· Nana's Gift to me

: Fiona's Notebook - Index
  Meaning and Purpose

A life lived in quiet desperation. 
Fear of being born 
Fear of growing up 
Fear of living 
Fear of dying

Facing my Internal Fears

One betrayal after another
Friendships dissolved, disappeared.
Lovers - used as a vehicle, a receptacle for human emotion
but always discarded before the use by date.
No body ever who they claim to be.

Apocalypse - The Mask of Armageddon

Ruled by the iron fist of Church.
Dogma my only true religion ..
no faith in myself.

A God in absentia sitting in judgment,
exiled from the human plane of existence,
ready to curse and revile my every step towards self-realization.

I, awaiting his judgment at my death.

But what if there isn’t any God ...
only my own self-judgments.
My own regrets.
My own fears, doubts, self betrayals,
Only my mind judging my memories in my body?

The greatest betrayal of all?
Myself of Me

The god revered, vilified is not going to judge me.
Me and my genetic pool of consciousness will do that.

I will judge myself.
And find myself, my destitute poverty consciousness,
lacking Again

Once more I will embalm myself in the Mask of Armageddon.
Entomb my mind and my heart
in the fears and self-lack of my ancestors.

Bind myself up with the internal conflict of mind versus body.
And, rather than face my own fears again put on the Mask.

The mask of Death.

Death being the only outcome of such a battle
because at least, if I die, I won’t have to face myself.
Face what I’ve done to my body,
to the people I love
and what I have allowed them to do to me
because I wanted to be accepted and loved.

And, in the name of that love
a life filled with quiet self-loathing
spent fleeing the specter of the Mask
that awaits and haunts my every need.

Avoiding the death,
which will surely start the cycle all over again.

Is a miracle really only a change of perception?

The doubts scream
The journey into the abyss of self -realization is so daunting.

A chance to remove the Mask of Armageddon from my genetic line?

Fear lurks in every cell of my body

To wash my robes clean in consciousness,
in this body, in this lifetime,
is the most monumental act of Will I will ever have to undergo.

Perhaps with the birth and acceptance of my Will,
the God outside will die.
The god of religion will die.
The need for Savior outside,
the need to be loved and needed will dissipate.

The knowing that my body is unique
but is part of ALL.
The knowing that a focused act of consciousness
can move mountains

My own personal revelation
the revelation of my own integrity ...

All I know is that it is possible

Possible that the mask of Armageddon molded in place
with the words of Last Rites and the burial ceremony
does not have to be for this body, this lifetime.

That the genetic memories of the torments and sacrifices
of my ancestors can be released
and hopes for the future can be realized ...

That underneath that Mask
is the small, still flicker of innocence


· Fiona's Index
· Meaning of Life Notebook
· Inner Child Journal

The Mask of Armageddon - facing my internal fears


08 Oct 2003 - Copyright 1998-2003 Transpersonal Lifestreams - Disclaimer - Privacy

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